Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
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Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”