“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
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There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
She puts the hot in psychotic
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage