Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
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2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?