My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
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If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
and this one
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs