[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
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Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
the short answer to this question
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
had to share :’)
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang