If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
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just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Personal question. #JustSaying
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis