All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
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Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
me
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.