Canada has crack?
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My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
My boss called in sick of me
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.