The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
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haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
me when I see my crush
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
how was your vacation
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*