A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
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Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
This is Sparta