#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
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Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
The happy life.. 😊
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..