ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
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When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.