[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
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Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion