[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
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RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO