In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
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I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.