[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
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Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.