What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
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Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Good boy 😂😂
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?