[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
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Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
The pen is writier than the sword.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
My neck, my back, my…
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.