I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
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Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Wikigenius
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Note to self: I am a note
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!