I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
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[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.