I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
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[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
LOL
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
i spent way too long on this
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?