I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
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sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Pretty certain I can more drunk
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
#gardening
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
So we got a goldfish…
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian