If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
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Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Clients after you give them your rates
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah