*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
You Might Also Like
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Mornin. * use accordingly
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*