“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
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Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
this is how life feels
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”