If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
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you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Meat Cute
🍛
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
It was worth a shot 😂
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs