You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
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Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota