[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
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Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money