Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
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when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now