Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
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They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
They’re the worst 😩
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Oh deer
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.