My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
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Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.