My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
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Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On