Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
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Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
wow he looks just like him
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?