[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
I am never leaving this website