Owl Sanctuary
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Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999