“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
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Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
no regrets
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
So, can we agree on 4 or
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.