Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
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Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied