My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
You Might Also Like
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.