[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
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*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie