Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
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Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.