I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
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doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
you will never know the true number of layers
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.