That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
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Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
the answer was staring at me all along
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Love is always patient and kind.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Otters see a butterfly.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
I just love that new Pope smell.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.