My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
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The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition