Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
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My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened