I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
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ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Hey i am sexy to you now
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
💁🏻♂️
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby