How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
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“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.