I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
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Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
giddy up Office Depot
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched