What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
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[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?