Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
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Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.