Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
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Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Lol #dogsoftwitter
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.